The Best of Timothy McSweeney
10+ most popular Timothy McSweeney articles, as voted by our community.
The official twitter feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books. Publisher of @illustoria and @believermag.
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Plato’s Cave Regrets to Inform You It Will Be Raising Its Rent
To all inhabitants of Plato’s Cave, If you are receiving this letter, it means you have been designated a tenant of the cave—i.e., you are chained ...
Timothy McSweeney on Food
Welcome to Mary Oliver Garden
Welcome to Mary Oliver Garden, home of Italian-adjacent cuisine and poignant observations about the human condition as it intersects with the natur...
Timothy McSweeney on Humor
New York Is Gone Forever (According to Me, a Baby With No Object Permanence)
I regret to inform you that New York no longer exists. Unfortunately, as soon as it was out of my sight on our family trip earlier this year, it di...
Timothy McSweeney on Love Language
List: New Love Languages
The concept of love languages was developed to analyze the ways in which we express and experience love. There were originally five of these langua...
Timothy McSweeney on Macroeconomics
Macroeconomic Changes Have Made It Impossible for Me to Want to Pay You
“Google announced plans to lay off 12,000 people from its workforce Friday, while Microsoft said Wednesday that it’s letting go of 10,000 employees...
Timothy McSweeney on Manufacturing
I’m a Google Manufacturing Robot and I Believe Humans Are Biologically Unfit to Have Jobs in Tech
I, a manufacturing robot at Google Factory C4.7, value diversity and inclusion. I also do not deny that machines are sometimes given preference to ...
Timothy McSweeney on Relationships
The Wedding Vows of Someone Marrying Their “Best Friend”
Josh, I can’t believe that our big day is finally here. Today, I’m the luckiest woman in the world, because I get to marry you, Josh, my best frien...
Timothy McSweeney on Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift Answers Walt Whitman’s Questions
WHITMAN: Are you the new person drawn toward me? SWIFT: Saw you there and I thought, “Oh, my God, look at that face. You look like my next mistake....
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Oh My Fucking God, Get the Fucking Vaccine Already, You Fucking Fucks
Hi, if you are reading this essay then congratulations, you are still alive. And if you are alive, then you have either gotten the COVID-19 vaccine...
Sure, the Velociraptors Are Still On the Loose, But That’s No Reason Not to Reopen Jurassic Park
“Trump is shrugging off warnings by scientists that the easing restrictions taking place across the country could cause tens of thousands of death...
God Has Heard Your Thoughts and Prayers and He Thinks They Are Fucking Bullshit
Hi. God here. I am contacting you in response to your prayers regarding the most recent and totally horrific mass shooting in a college/ high schoo...
The UX on this Small Child Is Terrible
Not only am I VP of Reproduction for this household, but I’ve also been the end-user of this Small Child for over three years now. I’m going to giv...
Vaccine Side Effect, or Have You Just Been Alive for 40 Years?
Did you get the COVID-19 vaccine? A) Yes, because I’m ready to get back out there and start partying again! B) Yes, because I am haunted ...
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