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Progress: Iowa Has Officially Replaced Columbus Day With Columbus Hour
As more and more Americans become enlightened about the real history behind Christopher Columbus and his brutal exploitation of indigenous peoples, many are struggling to reckon with the explorer’s…
Encouraging Study Finds It Now Easier Than Ever For American Dollars To…
WASHINGTON—Citing “nearly unlimited” opportunities for the nation’s currency, an encouraging study released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution found that it has never been easier for U.S. dollars to enter the richest segment of American society.
Aerosol Can Surprisingly Upfront About Giving You Cancer
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Taken aback by the packaging’s unexpected honesty and directness, sources expressed surprise Wednesday upon noticing that a can of brand-name aerosol disinfectant was so forthright…
Compassionate Trump Issues Full Presidential Pardon For Robert Mueller
WASHINGTON—Exercising his powers of clemency for the first time since taking office, President Trump compassionately issued a full presidential pardon Monday for former Special Counsel Robert S.…
Parenting Win! The NBA Is Attaching Diaper Changing Tables To All Of…
Working parents know all too well how hard it can be to balance a job with the demands of childcare, but one American institution just took an amazing step to accommodate the needs of parents in their…
Man Who Spent Last 2 Years Drawing Pictures Of Trump And Putin…
BOULDER, CO—Admitting he now felt “a bit foolish,” 34-year-old local artist Austin Vermillion was reportedly beginning to realize Monday just how wrong he’s been after spending the last two years…
William Barr Declares Mueller Investigation Fully Exonerates Members Of Reagan Administration From…
WASHINGTON—Following the completion of the special counsel’s 22-month probe, Attorney General William P. Barr declared Monday that Robert Mueller’s investigation fully exonerates all members of Ronald…
Mueller Finds No Evidence Of Trump–Russia Conspiracy, Attorney General Says
While stopping short of a full exoneration, Robert Mueller’s investigation found no evidence of collusion between the president and Russia in the 2016 election, according to a summary from Attorney…
Retiring Rob Gronkowski Admits He’ll Miss Teammates’ Blurry Faces, Fans Spinning Perpetually…
FOXBORO, MA—In an emotional speech announcing his retirement after a nine-year NFL career with the New England Patriots, Rob Gronkowski reportedly admitted Monday that he’ll miss his teammates’ blurry…
Lazy Man Waiting For Spark Of Inspiration To Finally Get Started On…
TOLEDO, OH—Delaying his usual afternoon session until such time as he felt genuine creative purpose, local man Andy Conrad decided to wait for a spark of inspiration before getting started on his…
Police Confirm Car Had Ethanol In System At Time Of Crash
All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
Apple Unveils Panicked Man With No Ideas
CUPERTINO, CA—At a highly anticipated press event at its Silicon Valley headquarters Tuesday afternoon, tech giant Apple officially unveiled to the public a panicked and completely idea-free man.
Google Announces Gaming Platform Called Stadia
Google has announced Stadia, a gaming platform and controller that they claim will provide better-than-console quality graphics to web browsers through high-quality streaming. What do you think?
‘Apex Legends’ Players Finally Getting Good Enough To Make Game Impossible For…
BRANFORD, CT—After countless hours memorizing the map, familiarizing themselves with the various weapons, and refining tactics for all character mixes, the skill of top Apex Legends players reached…
Study: 90% Of Workplace Injuries Caused By Bare-Knuckle Boxing
CHAMPAIGN, IL—Researchers from the University of Illinois released a new study of occupational hazards Wednesday revealing that 90 percent of workplace injuries in the United States are caused by bare…
The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 25, 2019
The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
Iowa Fashion Week Begins
DES MOINES, IA—The greater Des Moines area was abuzz with excitement Monday as Iowa’s annual Fashion Week officially kicked off, opening a busy seven days of runway shows and clothing exhibitions…
Report: States Quietly Raising Speed Limits Near Failing Schools
The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek
WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison. “When the new creek is
Hypochondriac Maple Tree Always Convinced It Has Asian Longhorn Beetles
All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
God Proud Of Cockroaches
THE HEAVENS—Saying He was astounded with their continued tenacity and resilience through generations of life on earth, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, declared today His overwhelming pride…
Samuel Adams Apologizes For 'Boston Sucks' Pilsner
The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
Campus Tour Guides Reminded To Use Official Name For Rape Hall
RACINE, WI—Speaking with a group of campus tour guides today, the University of Wisconsin-Racine’s undergraduate residential life coordinator Richard Matta reportedly asked the assembled students to…
Mother Trying Her Best To Project Same Amount Of Insecurities Onto All…
SANTA CRUZ, CA—Saying that she wanted to be as fair as possible, local mother Joyce Ferrario told reporters Tuesday that she is trying her best to project equal amounts of insecurity onto her three…
